Through Glass
by Salome Wordsmith
Summary: Even in the darkness of his dead sight, Shisui still saw it; her smile, bright and beautiful. Nobody, probably not even Itachi, knew, but of all of the people in Konoha Shisui tried to protect from his clan, there was only one who counted; she. As the cold water finally swallowed his mistreated body he only regretted that he never opened up to her - not really, at least.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One.**

_Sowing._

_'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass_

_Don't know how much time has passed_

_All I know is that it feels like forever_

_When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home_

_Sitting all alone inside your head_

_[Stone Sour – Through Glass]_

I

Shisui took a bow. "Good evening, Mikoto. Is your husband home? I was told to speak to him."

Mikoto smiled. "Yes, he's already waiting for you. Come in." She stepped aside to give him the way into the house.

"Living-room?"

She nodded and briefly touched his arm as he walked through the door. "It's always a pleasure to see you unscathed. Do you want to join us for dinner? Itachi is still out with Sasuke for training, but I'm sure they'll appreciate your company as well."

The smell of coriander and soya sauce lingered in the hall behind the door. Shisui returned Mikoto's brief touch. "Thanks for inviting. But, no, thanks. I've got to leave early tomorrow."

"I see. Things have changed quite a lot lately, haven't they?"

Shisui smiled. From the living room, he heard the mumbling TV. "Well, I think we both know that things haven't even started yet."

Mikoto sighed. "Maybe things won't turn as bad as we expect them now. So far, he hasn't decided to go down that road."

_He did, Mikoto. You just don't know it yet._

"So, let's hope for the best then. Konoha is our home, after all."

Shisui, still dwelling right behind the door, stripped off his shoes and lumbered down the hall. On the left side, the stairs led to the first floor of the house; on the right side was the living-room.

Fugaku kneeled on the floor, his back faced Shisui, who raised his hand to knock at the doorcase, but before his knuckles even touched the wood, Fugaku took the remote and turned off the TV.

"Come in," he said without turning around. "Take a seat."

Shisui entered the room and sat down next to Fugaku. A blue, steaming pot was between them. Fugaku passed him a likewise blue cup and poured some tea. Type Sencha.

"You got it?"

Shisui took a sip of his tea, delved into his pocket and pulled out a scroll. "Here we are; a transcript of all of Konoha's security protocols, just as requested."

Fugaku unfolded the paper. His eyes slid along the lines of the script. "Did you cipher the text?"

"Of course."

"The usual code?"

"Yes. Presumably, it'll take you some days to do the transcription; however, I refused to take any risks."

Fugaku pulled back his lips to reveal a cunning grin. "That's why I chose you for this matter. No one is as savvy and sound as you."

"Except for your son."

"Except for my son."

Shisui sipped from his tea again. "May I speak frankly?"

Fugaku poured in some more tea for himself. "Go ahead."

"Please, stop to pull anything over me."

"Excuse me?"

"Your revolution. It's more than an idea. Mikoto may still not believe so, but I know better. Itachi and I don't collect all this information for you without significant purpose. By now, your plans have already taken some clear forms, haven't they? The negotiations with Konoha, the diplomacy – it's all just a show. You made your choice. And I'm willing to bet that Itachi has looked through it, too, already?"

"So?"

"Noting. I just think an operation of such a measure can't do without some frankness. I promise you my full support; however, I want you to let me in on all of your intentions."

"At this moment, my plans are still in a fragile condition. When the time has come, you'll get to hear about everything. You and all the other Uchiha. It's too early now."

"Do you doubt my loyalty?"

"Not at all. But your superiors at the ANBU and the Elders have an eager eye on you. Especially Danzō. The spying itself is already more than bold; however, as long as Itachi and you don't know what any details about what I'm up to, the risk is under control. If you don't know anything, they can't coax something out of you. Not even under torture."

Shisui nodded. "I see. Forgive me my briskness."

"No, it's fine. I appreciate your grit and count on you. Still, I think it'll take years until my vision can turn into reality. And, against all expectations, maybe we manage to solve our problems with the village until then."

"Do you still think so?"

"No. You?"

Shisui didn't give an answer since Sasuke's bright laughter rang out in the hall. "That was great, Nii-san!," the boy shouted. "We're going to do this again, right? Promise me!"

"Promised, Sasuke. If you promise me in return to show mum your injury. You might need some stitches."

"Yes, fine!"

Bare children feet tapped over the bamboo floor in the hall. The boy stopped at the living-door. A small laceration yawned on his forehead over his left eyebrow. However, presumably, the injury was less severe than the blood made it look. "We're back, Dad!" Sasuke reported while he grinned from ear to ear. "Oh, and hi, Shisui!"

Shisui raised his hand. "You had some rough training with your brother, right buddy?"

Sasuke touched the wound on his forehead and smiled even brighter. His cheeks glowed. "Yes, that's right. But I bounced back every single time!"

"Oh, I can see that." Shisui smiled. "I'm looking forward to seeing your achievements. I'll join you two for your next training session."

"You promise?"

"I promise. Still, your brother is right, you know. Your forehead doesn't look too good. Show your mother, okay?"

Sasuke nodded and disappeared from the doorframe.

"You've already turned down Mikoto's invitation for tonight. However, I'd be delighted to welcome you back to our table soon." Saying these words, Fugaku passed Shisui a little, folded paper. By now, this gesture was already familiar: further instructions. "I think it would be a good idea if Itachi walked you home tonight. You didn't have many opportunities to exchange news lately. Right, Itachi?"

"Right, father," answered Itachi who had stepped into the doorframe in the meanwhile.

* * *

II

"Did you find out anything?" Itachi asked a few minutes later as he and Shisui were on their way back to his flat.

Shisui shook his head. "No, nothing at all. I'm sorry."

"Never mind. I'm not surprised, you know. My father is a very careful man. So, both of us have to make sure we're even more careful."

"Do you think he suspects anything?"

"Not really, no. But we shouldn't do anything to arouse his hunch. We can't protect Konoha without his trust." Itachi stopped and leaned back his head so he could look up at the flag that waved in the wind. The Uchiha's crest flaunted on the fabric. "Let's not bother him again asking about his plans. We wait until he opens up himself. "

"And we continue to keep this a secret among us two. As soon as we have details, we confide to the Hokage – not any earlier."

Itachi nodded. A few more moments he kept looking at the flag thoughtfully, watched it dancing in the oink sky. Suddenly, his face brightened up and made him looked as young and innocent as he was. _You're only eleven years old._ Shisui kept on forgetting this far too often.

"May I ask you something? Something personal?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

Shisui blinked in surprise. "Sorry, what? How do you come with that out of the blue?"

"There is a girl sitting on the stairs in front of your flat. I saw her when Sasuke and I left for training. It looked as if she was waiting. So, I thought she might be waiting for you."

"Do you know her?"

"No. But I think she's pretty; grey eyes, violet, long hair – does this sound familiar two you?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi to everyone who's reading my text!  
Thanks for hanging on to the second chapter. I appreciate this a lot! Especially since you probably noticed that I am not a native speaker of English. After all, I consider writing this fanfiction a chance to train and improve my language skills. So, to all the native speakers out there who can bear my writing, please, tell me if any mistakes, ambiguities, or obscurities occur to you. I'll do my best to correct flaws and learn from them.  
_

_Nevertheless, I hope you can enjoy the story!_

_Cheers,  
Salome._

* * *

Chapter Two.

Powers of Observation.

How do you feel? That is the question

But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer

When something like a soul becomes initialized

And folded up like paper dolls and little notes

You can't expect a bit of hope

And while you're outside looking in

Describing what you see

Remember what you're staring at is me

[Through Glass - Stonesour]

With her elbows planted on her knees, she sat on the top of the three steps that led to the house Shisui lived in. Her chin rested in the palms of her hands, as her eyes dwelled upon the book on her lap. She wore her long, violet hair tied into a loose braid. A few strands framed her narrow face, dancing to the rhythm of the draught as she breathed in and out.

"Amaya Tetsuka" Shisui said stepping up to her. "That's quite a surprise." The setting sun threw her light on his back, so his body cast a shadow upon the book. "Interesting story?"

Amaya looked up at him. "Not really," she answered and lifted her book to show him its cover.

Various hues of grey blended into each other to give birth to a dark sky scratched with the blurry shapes of bony, naked trees. Fog crept around a young couple holding each other close; the man was depicted with his bare upper body covered in blood, the woman wore a Miko's gear: white gi and a red hakama. Black tattoos, resembling raging flames, wove across the man's beefy shoulders and his scarred face, whilst the Miko kept hers hidden in his naked chest. Elegant characters announced the title: The Demon's Kiss.

"It's the usual story" Amaya explained as she closed the book. "The independent, self-reliant woman finally realises that all she ever wanted are the solace and the shelter she finds in a man's strong arms, although he keeps pushing her away; over and over again – heart-breaking, indeed; still, overwhelmingly predictable."

"Well, judging from the title, did you expect anything else?"

She stood up. "Not really. Still, would it be wrong to tell the story of the iron warrior who's the one desperately craving for solace and shelter; the story of a warrior who actually values the companionship of the independent, self-reliant woman instead of making her fight for his affection?"

Even though she was standing on the second of the three steps now, Amaya still lacked a few inches to be eye to eye with Shisui. In order to greet her, he reached out his hand to shake hers. This gesture, however, made her bursting into a bright, warm laughter.

"You can't be serious." And instead of taking his hand, she put her arms around his neck and hugged him. Shisui launched into drawing back; however, returned her embrace in the end by awkwardly patting her shoulder.

"It's been a while," he said when she released him since he couldn't think of anything better.

"Yes, almost three years. Tell me, how're doing'?"

"Well, as you can see, I'm alive and still in one piece so far." Shisui took a step back to elude her hand which still rested on his arm. "Apart from that, I'm afraid there isn't much I can tell you in good conscience. However, you didn't come over for a little chat, did you? After all, you want to ask me for advice since the Hokage called you to join the ANBU and you can't tell what to do."

She shook her head laughing. The way she wrinkled her nose reminded him of a sneezing kitten. "Oh dear, so you're still doing that thing. Go ahead, what gave me away?"

"Let's see…" His head pointed at Amaya's book that was still on the stairs. "You brought yourself something to read which means you were willing to wait. By now, you've already done that for, hm… at least two hours, right?"

"You're guessing. There's no way you could figure that out."

"You know I don't that: a reliable source always eliminates the need for guessing." In this case, Itachi was his reliable source. "So, these two hours of waiting do testify your determination. That's quite a lot of tenacity regarding the fact that we haven't seen each other in three years. In all probability, there is a reason for you showing up; something happened." He gazed at her clothes: beneath a red plaid skirt, she wore grey over knee socks combined with a white, cropped blouse with short sleeves and shoulder cut-out; however, no headband, no shuriken pocket. "You turned up here plain-clothed, thus you're off today. No one sent you, you decided on your own to come. Hence, it's not an order, we're dealing with a personal matter. But why on earth would you turn to me in a personal matter?"

"We're old friends. I trust you."

Shisui shook his head. "No, it's not that. If it was a matter of trust only you would talk to someone else; Natsume, for instance. The times we would consider each other as close are over. You're here for my expertise. You belong to the Tetsuka Clan. Sooner or later pretty much all of you are asked to join the ANBU. Let's suppose, it's your turn now: the Hokage appointed you and waits for your decision. I know you. You don't dare to compare with big challenges until someone assured you that you're strong enough to succeed. That's why you need someone who can make a reliable assessment; someone who knows you as well as the challenges of the ANBU. That being said, we used to be teammates for several years before I joined this very force."

"Not bad so far," Amaya commented. "But as you said, most of my family belongs to the ANBU. Why would I rather ask you for advice than my father for example?"

"You can't disappoint me. However, if you tell your father you're uncertain…" Shisui thought about the talk he had had with Fugaku earlier this evening. "Well, sometimes it's hard to live up to your clan's expectations." Believe me, I know better than many others. "You're under pressure. Compared with your father, I am objective. I won't judge."

Amaya lowered her eyes and tugged her hair. "I can tell, you still got it."

In the following few seconds, Shisui saw her shrink about 20 inches; her skirt turned into dungarees, her blouse in a blue-white curled shirt. Instead of that loose braid that reached her hip, she had her hair down to her shoulders, tied into a bow. She was doing the same thing as long ago. It had been in the academy when Shisui had watched her nervous playing with the strands for the first time.

Back then, our sensei rebuked you. But why? Shisui couldn't remember.

"What do you think?", he heard Amaya mumble and along with the sound of her matured voice, he saw her grow back to her current height. "I suppose you're very busy; however, can you spare a few minutes for me?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3.**

**Blood calls for Blood.**

_After a while you may forget_  
_But just in case the memories cross your mind_  
_You couldn't know this when I left_  
_Under the fire of your angry eyes_  
_I never wanted to say goodbye_

_[Sorry for Now - Linkin Park]_

I

Ever since Shisui's grandfather had died during the last autumn, the flat in the ground floor remained empty. Behind the white door, everything was still exactly as it was when Uchiha Shirokuma had been taken to hospital. So far, Shisui himself hadn't dared to enter the apartment and hadn't allowed anyone to do so. Even the flat's door was still labelled with his grandfather's name.

Shisui noticed Amaya gazing at the door when he led her in.

The hall loured as all windows - apart from a small skylight above the door - faced a courtyard which the sun only touched during the morning hours. Around the time of dusk, he lingered in the shadows so that the sun only shone through the small skylight above the door. A lonely cone of light dwelled on the wooden stairs.

"I had no idea you're living with your grandfather now," Amaya said. "It's been a while since I've last seen him. How is he doing?"

Shisui shrugged. "I guess, you have to visit the graveyard on your way back home to ask him. But I'm afraid the tombstone won't answer your question. Grandfather died last year."

Amaya froze moving; she stood on one leg, holding at the rail with her left hand to strip of her shoe with the other one. She widened her eyes. "Shisui, I… I had no idea. This is-"

"Okay," he finished her sentence. "I didn't tell you. How could you have known anyway? He was old, very old, and so confused in the end that he deemed me my uncle. Death resurrected him. It was time to let him go."

He smiled, even tough he could barely take the pity in her eyes. She was looking for the right words to express her condolence. But he didn't want to hear it.

"It's been a year, Amaya," he said. "I'm fine."

She cast a brief look upon the name at the door. "You're lying," she mumbled, "You haven't let go yet. If you want to talk about it I-"

Shisui raised his hand to interrupt her. "My grandfather died almost one year ago and you've just found out. What does this tell you, hm?" Amaya looked down and played with her hair again. "You came to ask me for advice and I am happy to help you, but that's it, okay?"

She nodded.

"Fine." Shisui turned his back on her and climbed up the stairs. The wood creaked beneath his feet.

* * *

II

Tic-Toc, tic-toc-tic-toc…

The clock at the wall had been in the kitchen as long as Shisui lived here; however, today he noticed for the first time how loud it was as he sat at the small table with Amaya. In front of him lay the scroll which asked Amaya to take her space at the ANBU. At the end of the request, there was the signature of Sarutobi Hiruzen next to the ones of Mitokado Homura, Utatane Koharu, and Shimura Danzo. The colour of the signatures was different from the rest of the document: while the head of the letter and the text were written in black ink, the signatures were in a brown-red hue.

"Do you know why the Elders sign the ANBU request in blood?," Shisui asked as he looked up.

Amaya sat opposite him, a steaming cup of tea between her hands. "It's a symbol, isn't it? Dedicated to the ANBU's motto: Blood calls for blood. My father said that the ANBU neither acts on moral neither follows ethical principles and is even above the law." She sipped from her tea. "He told me, the ANBU seems frightening and cruel to outsiders, like organised anarchy, merciless and brutal. While in truth, they're just free from norms and judgement. They stand beyond good and evil, literally. After all, good and evil are relative since they're only defined by the means of standards and comparisons. The ANBU, however, is absolute, the embodiment of neutrality. Their deeds seem spoiled, still, their motives are pure: blood calls for blood."

The embodiment of neutrality, Shisui thought as he closed the scroll and passed it over the table to Amaya. Your father taught you well. "That's all true. But blood calls for blood is much more trivial: if you join the ANBU, you make a pact. You give them your blood. They own you."

"I am a ninja. Doesn't the Village own me anyway?"

"In theory, yes. But you said it yourself, the ANBU is absolute. And the question is, can you live with this? Beyond good and evil, right and wrong? As a body of true neutrality?"

"Can you?," Amaya asked and looked him in the eye.

Shisui stayed silent. Instead of answering, he drank from his own tea.

"Does this mean no?"

"It means that I stopped asking such questions. I've sealed this pact already, Amaya, and I live up to it. That's all that matters."

"Yes, but-"  
"There is no but," Shisui interrupted calmly. "There are no exceptions, not even hypothetical."

"And back then? Before you sealed the pact and left our team? Suddenly, you disappeared, without farewell or any explanation."

"I'm sorry, but I don't owe you one."

"I would have deserved one after all we've been through - you, me, and Natsume. There was more connecting us than duty and training!"

Shisui stood up. He wanted to have this conversation as little as he wanted it three years ago when he joined the Anbu and left his former team.

She hadn't even finished it half-way, but he took Amaya's cup anyway and carried it to the sink along with his. He poured the tea down the drain. "You better leave now," he said while he turned up the water to rinse the two cups.

The scratching of the chair on the floor told him that Amaya stood up herself. "That's all you have to say? Even now?"

"What makes you think I had more to say than three years ago?" Shisui took the dish liquid and squeezed the bottle over a cloth.

"Was it easy for you? Leaving everything behind without ever looking back?"

Who said I've never looked back? Amaya couldn't tell but after she had been wounded so severe during the Kyuubi's attack, Shisui had been there: in every break during the rescue works in the days after the crisis, Shisui had been sitting next to her lair at the sickbay, hoping and praying she would survive.

"Would it change something for you if I told you it was easy?"

She sighed. "Of course. It changes everything if you never really cared."

Shisui washed the liquid's foam off the cups and grabbed a dishtowel. "Then I advise you to turn down the ANBU's request. If my decision from three years ago is still such a big deal for you there's no way you can make it yourself. Do the ANBU force and yourself a favour and just leave it be. You're not ready yet." He kept on towelling the cups even though the cups were already dry. "And now I ask you again - leave! I have a lot to do."

She snorted behind his back. He heard steps and then the door clunk shut. That's when he saw it, Amaya's book that still lay on the table...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Three.**

**Stomclouds.**

_And the rain will kill us all_

_Throw ourselves against the wall_

_But no one else can see_

_The preservation of the martyr in me_

_[Psychosocial - Slipknot]_

In the windowpane showed the vague reflection of Sarutobi Hiruzen's face as he glanced over the village. He had a pipe in his mouth from which the bluish dust ascended that Shisui saw vanishing over the Hokage's head. He kept his hands entwined behind his back and his hat lay on the desk. In the distance, thunderclouds gathered at the horizon.

"So that's the direction we're going in" the Third mumbled as Shisui and Itachi had finish their report. He released his hands to take the pipe out of his mouth. Accompanied by a deep-drawn sigh that made him sound like a grumbling bear, the headman breathed out some thick, white smoke. "I was aware that the tensions between the village and your clan have increased drastically since the Kyuubi incident and the resettlement. However, I've never expected Fugaku to make such plans…" He took another drag on his pipe and released it again deeply sighing as he turned around to Shisui and Itachi. "Which dimensions are we talking about?"

"Grave enough to be beyond the control of the two of us" Shisui answered. "Up to this week, Fugaku had let a handful Uchiha in on his plans only - Itachi and me already included. But during the last clan assembly he spoke about his vision for the first time officially. He wants the Uchiha to take over Konoha."

"It was only a marginal note at the end of the assemlby" Itachi added. "But my father is true to his word: he wouldn't have said anything if he didn't know how to make it happen."

Shisui put a scroll on the desk. "Here's the list of the information Itachi and I collected during the last nine months."

The Hokage took and opened it. His eyes skimmed over the lines. "You passed on some crucial data and information" he finally commented and scratched his head.

Shisui sighed. "We know. However, we didn't have no choice. Fugaku is the police force's captain for a reason: he is perfectly aware of how to get information. By now, our clan is so isolated that Itachi and me are the only remaining connection between Konoha and the Uchiha. After all, we were the obvious way to to gather information. If we had rejected his request, Fugakuu would have find another opportunity to find out everything he wanted. However, this would have happened behind our back. At least we can put the cards on the table now and be sure that we enjoy his confidence."

Sarutobi nodded. "No worries, Shisui, I didn't mean to blame you. You two made the right decision." He took a seat at his desk, planted his elbows on the table, and entwined his hands. "Fine, is there anything else you can tell me?"

"Only speculations" Itachi said. "If you take a look at the list you'll notice that the information, which my father requested, became more specific at last. He knew what he was looking for; hence, we believe that his plan is already quite precise." The boy pointed at the scroll. "That's his material, only fragments so far. The question now is how he intends to put them together. That's yet to show."

"Do you have an idea which time frame to expect?"

Shisui crossed his arm on his chest. "I had a short conversation with Fugaku a few months ago. He told me it would still take years before his vision could be turned into reality. Therefore, Itachi and I recommend Konoha to hold back while we two carry on passively as well. We watch and wait how the situation develops."

The Third thumped his pipe to make the ashes snow into the basket that was standing next to the desk. Then he opened its top drawer and took out a bag of ratty leather to fill his pipe with fresh herbs. "Agreed. Still, I have to inform the Elders about this problems." Using a tamper he pressed the herbs into pipe bowl and took out a matchbox. "I want the both of you to join this meeting. Danzo and the other two will have questions and you're the best to answer as you're the ones holding first-hand information. Expect my instructions. I'm going to arrange everything." He scratched one of the matches over the box's side that was coated with phosphorus. It flared hissing and as Sarutobi ignited the herbs the scent of smoky caramel filled the room. "Thank you for your honesty and loyalty. If that's it you may dismiss now."

"Yes, sir!" Shisui and Itachi answered simpultaniously as they took a bow to the Hokage.

II

All along the way back to the Uchiha District, they remained silent as they both felt too guilty to say anything. Well, at least Shisui felt too guilty to say anything and he assumed that Itachi didn't feel different. After all, the situation was probably even harder for the boy. God knew Shisui had been through a lot already, but at least he was never forced to sell his own father out. He wasn't even sure if he'd even had the heart to do so.

Not until they reached the crossroads where Itachi had to turn and Shisui to stay straight ahead on the way, he dared to say something. "What we've done today will have severe consequences for our clan. I know that you know since you are far too clever for your age. And I know that you love your family, that's why I can only imagine how hard it has to be for you to blurt out the truth about your father. I mean, that's-… It will-..." Shisui sighed. "I just want to say, please don't worry too much. You're doing what you have to do."

Itachi tilted his head. Shisui hated it when the boy was looking at him like this, so knowingly, so piercingly; and even more he hated the moment the kid's face brightened suddenly and smiled at him the way it did now. "I hope you're taking your own advice to heart" Itachi said.

Shisui looked up into the sky: by now, the granite grey clouds covered the village languidly. Scratches ripped the dreary matter so the beams of the setting sun could breach it. The sky beyond seemed to bleed.

"There's going to be thunder and lightning tonight" Shisui mumbled and flinched as Itachi took his hand.

The boy kept on smiling. "I'm serious, don't you worry too much. I'll be fine."

"It's harder for you" Shisui countered shaking his head. "I don't have to be considerate of anyone; there's nobody I could hurt. But you're hurting your family for the village's sake. That has to be awful. We've started something today we can't take back. You see the pieces lay out at front of you as well, can't you? Danzo won't allow Konoha to hold back. He will claim that the village increases the pressure - on your father, on the police force, on the clan; more constraints, more restrictions. THe Elders will try to stop Fugaku by narrowing his latitude, even though that's what he's fighting so desperately. You know what uses to say - it's a basic principle of the universe that every action causes an equal and opposing reaction." A lightning struck the sky, answered by a rolling thunder. The first thick rain drops burst on the ground. The scratches in the granite grey clouds had healed so that the dreary matter devoured even the last sun beams by now. "The more energy Konoha raises to bind Fugaku's hand, the more he will fight to break the bonds. And this will be ugly, for better or worse. We two-"

"-didn't start the fire" Itachi interrupted. "Keep on telling you this the next time you feel like choking on guilt."

Shisui's heart wanted to break because he knew that Itachi could only advise him on this as he was perfectly aware what he was talking about. That was wrong. A child should not know this kind of guilt.

"I'm sorry that you have to carry this burden."

"You weren't the one entailing it on me" Itachi countered. His hand let go on Shisui's hand. "My father was. He charged me with spying and he made me to make this decision hence. I love him, nevertheless. I really do, but if he doesn't love me enough to prevent me from this burden I can't love him enough to back him."

"Is that really how you look at it? Like an equation...?"

"It helps to live with what I'm doing to them - to every Uchiha, but especially to my parents and little brother" Itachi explained. "I didn't start the fire, I just try to keep it down. For this sake, I do what I can, as good as I can, as long as I can, and I hope that this is enough."

Shisui made a strange sound, a bitter laughter blending into a deep sigh. "I'm supposed to be stronger, right? How pathetic to make you comfort me. It should be the other way around."  
"Why?"

"You're the child, you see."

"And you are alone." Itachi entwined his hands behind his head. "You say, there is no one you have to considerate of; no one you're close enough to hurt them, and you assume that's why you have an easier time handling this situation. But you're wrong." Itachi gazed down the street where at its end was this house under a huge oak tree, the house he lived with his family. "Sasuke is always waiting for me when I come home at the end of the day, and everyday he comes up with a thousand of new ideas of what we should do together even though we probably won't do anything of that. He is so pure, so innocent, so full of light… He sleeps in my bed sometimes, you know: sneaks into my room and crawls under my blanket. His small, cold feet are really annoying." Itachi giggled. "However… once in a while I'm overwhelmed with how much I love him. I am his hero! His world is perfect as long as I am there and that makes me happy. I'm so grateful he exists that nothing else even knowing, Sasuke gives enough solace to outweigh it all, all the guilt, all the remorse, all the disappointment. But you are alone. I'm the only one who can give you solace."

"That shouldn't be up to you."

"It should because betrayal is all you got - our clan betraying the village, or you betraying the clan. You lose no matter which side you chose. Guilt, remorse, and disappointment are some cruel monsters and their teeth are razor sharp. I can't just watch them tearing your soul apart. There is no one who could heal the wounds or ease the pain; for me, there is. So it doesn't bother me if I take some of their bites for you."

The rain poured down on them as thick as chords, drenching their clothes and hair. Shisui took a step closer to Itachi, the ground smacked beneath his feet, and hugged the boy. "Thank you buddy" he whispered as a sharp gust swept through the streets and slapped his face. "But for now, you better go home. Sasuke is waiting for you."

Itachi laughed quietly hugging Shisui back. _"Don't feed the monsters."_


	5. Chapter 5

**I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all very much, for still reading this fanfiction and for all the followers. After all, I am aware that there are stories with much more followers on this platform; however, when I started to write, or rather, translate this story I would've never expected that I could find more than ten people who are interested in following it. I know that I lack the language to express myself as eloquently in English as in my native language. Still, the English version is more successful and I feel very honored by this fact.**

**Thank you! Thank you all; especially those who even took the time to write a review. I appreciate that a lot: please, carry on like that. It's always a pleasure for me to post a new chapter here.**

**Cheers,**

**Salome Wordsmith**

* * *

**Chapter Five.**

**Pain.**

I

_Pain without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

_[Pain - Three Days Grace]_

_Tic-toc._

_Tic-toc._

Shisui stood at the kitchen window. The thunderstorm clouds made the world beyond the pane so dark that he couldn't look through the glass, but only into his face. His own reflection appeared alien for him.

_Tic-toc._

_Tic-toc._

The rain's water crept down the window and smudged the shape of his figure. It seemed to melt without dissolving.

_Tic-toc._

_Tic-toc._

Shisui raised his hand and watched his reflection stroking his cheek; however, he couldn't feel the touich.

_Tic-toc._

His face remained still when he sank his fingernails into the flesh and made a quick move to draw his hand over the skin. It took a few seconds, then he saw in the window how a red rill ran down his cheek. Still, he didn't feel anything.

_Tic-toc._

_Tic-toc._

He turned his back to the window, leaned against the rim of the sink and looked at the clock on the wall, watched the thin sweep hand creeping over the clock face - streak by streak. Doing this he kept his arms crossed on his chest.

_Tic-toc._

_Tic-toc._

It was like an infection that guzzled through an organism: ever since Amaya had visited him a few months ago, he heard the damn ticking louder with each passing day. When he sat at the table eating, it drowned the chewing of his teeth and even now the patter of the rain against the kitchen window nearly vanished next to the clock. He heard it when he entered the apartment or brushed his teeth in the bathroom. It even followed him in his sleep: _Tic-toc. Tic-toc. Tic- _his feet set him in motion - _toc. _His fist struck the clock. With the first hit the glass over the clock face cracked, with the second one it scattered. _Tic-toc. Tic-toc._

Shisui stroke out again. This punch shattered the plastic case in two halfs and tore a hole in the wall. The hands fell down, the batteries rolled over the floor. But still it rose from the depths of his mind into his awareness: _Tic-toc. Tic-toc. _Damn it.

He sighed and withdrew his hand. Plaster trickled on the wrecked pieces of the clock.

The skin over Shisui's knuckles bled. In the osseous split between his middle and ring finger stuck the nail that had attached the clock to the wall. Its tip protruded from the wound, the flat nailhead stuck in his bone.

Shisui opened his hand and stretched the fingers, before he clenched a fist again. The nail in his flesh tilted along the movement of his skeleton. Hot pain slowly crept up his arm into his shoulder and his throat, through his tongue and squeezed itself behind his forehead at last. _Finally. _The pain swallowed the ticking.

"More…" Shisui mumbled and closed his eyes. Index finger and thumb of his sound hand turned the nail in the wound like a key and slightly joggled it.

* * *

II

Amaya sat corss-legged on the sofa, holding a jar of peanut butter in her left and a spoon in her right hand. In the TV she watched a movie with the title _The First Hokage _which based loosely on the life of Senju Hashirama around the time of Konoha's founding.

Loosely because Amaya was quite sure that the love triangle between Senju Hashirama, his later wife Uzumaki Mito and Uchiha Madara arose solely from the screenwriter's fantasy to allow sprinkle the plot with some hot scenes: on the screen, Amaya saw the Madara Actor propping his hands next to Fake-Mito's face. She stood with her back against a rock wall. Next to the both of them there was a giant waterfall. Amaya assumed that the scene was supposed to take place in the _Valley of the End _where today the statues of Hashirama and Madara towered into the sky.

The Madara Actor bent down to Fake-Mito: close-up to show the viewer how he the tip of her ear between his teeth while one of his hands clasped around her neck. "_You are mine, Mito" _he whispered _"whether you like it or not."_

"_Madara…" _Fake-Mito sighed. Tears glinted in her eyes. _"Please, don't do this. I love Hashirama."_

Amaya rolled her eyes. "I'm out f the plot's leading to Hashirama and Madara fighting each other to death because of a woman" she told the TV while she digged for peanut butter. "Yes, I know, it is just a movie. Still, it is about two of the most powerful shinobi in the history of the Ninja World. Show some respect, please."

She mumbled the last sentence because she scooped the some peanut butter into her mouth and licked it from the spoon. Meanwhile in the TV, the Madara Actor ripped the kimono from Fake-Mito's body (the viewer only got to see her bare shoulders), turned her around so she had to bent over and lean on the rock wall, while her partner fiddled with the tuck of his hakama. His forehead glistened with sweat.

Amaya had to try hard not to burst into laughter. "Now, that's classy" she commented and was glad that the doorbell rang spared her to watch the whole scene. "Who was the consulter? The author of this new Icha Icha book series?"

The red blanket slid to the floor, as she stood up. On her way to the door, she took the jar of peanut butter and the spoon with her. As far as her experience went, at this time of the day it was one of the Inuzuka children from across the road standing in front of the door to ask for some eggs or something like this after their mother Tsume had forgotten to bring it from the market.

But as Amaya opened the door it wasn't Kiba or Hana standing in front of her on the porch in the flare of the garden lanterns.

"Shisui?"

The rain still shone from the rain. Small water drops crept from his hairline and and rolled of his jaw. His scruffy, black hair stuck in knots on his forehead. He smiled the same empty smile as when he had told her about his grandfather's death a few months ago; it was the same empty smile he always wore when he wanted to hide his true feelings. On his cheek blazed a red scratch.

Amaya's surprise only lasted for the glimp of an eye before yield to a hollow anger that reminded her of the times at the academy when she had lost a sparring fight.

She crossed her arms on her chest. "What do want?"

"I wish you a good evening, too" Shisui answered and pulled out a small packet from underneath his shirt. It was wrapped into newsprint. "You forgot you book at my place."

"That was half a year ago."  
"Yes, I know." He hunched his shoulders. "I'm sorrry, really. I wanted to bring it back earlier-"

"Just keep it" she interrupted. "I'm busy, you know. See you."

Amaya wanted to close the door, but Shisui stepped forward. "Wait."

She rolled her eyes. "For what? I do not like being taken for a fool!"

"I don't want to-"

"Really? So you do actually believe I would fall for such a _weak _excuse?"

"It is not a-"

"Shisui, you're wet from toe to head" Amaya twitched at his dripping t-shirt to give her words a boost. "That means you've left your place when it was still raining - without coat, obviously. Do you really expect me to believe that after six months it was suddenly that urgent for you to return the book that you forgot to put on a coat?"

Shisui remained silent.

"The book is only an excuse to see me, isn't it? And since it is a weak one I assume - a - you didn't really take time to think about something better and - b - you hopefully knew that I wouldn't fall for it. So if you hoped that I would be polite enough to ignore the pretext, forget it! You lost your claim for politeness with finishing our last conversation. So, what do you want? What do you want_ from me_? Tell me or leave. I give you thirty seconds to speak before I close the door and making this the last time we have talked to each other. Go…"

"Can we talk?" The rain had stopped by now so that it didn't patter on the ground any more, but only trickling from the roofs. Still, Shisui spoke in such a quiet voice that she could barely understand him.

"About what?" she answered the more resolute. "The last time you made clear to me that there isn't anything left you've got to say me."

Nevertheless it felt strange to see Shisui so hesitant: the empty smile had vanished from his lips; he didn't look at her but straight through her. Amaya even heard him swallow hard, but apart from that he remained silent.

_It takes you a lot of effort to stand like this in front of me, doesn't it?_

The thirty seconds passed by, then he handed her the book. "I'm sorry for disturbing you" he mumbled and turned his back at her. "I shouldn't have come by. It was a stupid idea, I apologise. I didn't know who else might…" He sighed. "Just forget about it."

_Oh dear, that's even hard to witness. _"When we met the last time you asked me what it should tell me that it took almost an entire year before you told me about your grandfather's death." Shisui stopped. "What does it mean then that you're showing up _now_?"

His answer was barely louder than a whisper: "The monsters are hungry."


	6. Chapter 6

**I can barely tell how much it lifts my heart every time to see more followers and favorites after each update. Thank you so much!**

**I appreciate your patience. If any of you can give me advice about the language, please go ahead. I want to imporve my ability to express myself in English.**

**Cheers!**

* * *

**Chapter Six.**

**Crossing Lines.**

_How much is real? So much to question_

_An epidemic of the mannequins_

_Contaminating everything_

_When thought came from the heart_

_It never did right from the start_

_Just listen to the noises_

_(Null and void instead of voices)_

_Before you tell yourself_

_It's just a different scene_

_Remember it's just different from what you've seen_

_[Through Glass - Stone Sour]_

I

"The monsters are hungry." He started to shake as he finally dared to speak it out. The rational part of his mind told him that he was crossing a line he had drawn a few years ago. _You remember why, don't you?_ However, the intuitive part of his mind rebutted: _You can only hold a limited number of secrets before you break. _That's why Shisui kept talking. "I think, I need some help."

"Pah! From me of all people?"

The bitterness in Amaya's voice hurt. But considering the way he had treated her the last time they had talked, he didn't deserve better now. "Maybe. Frankly, I am not even sure if anybody can help me at all." Without turning around he raised his wounded hand. It pulsed and he could barely move his fingers because they were too swollen.

Behind his back, he heard Amaya gasping for breath. "Oh dear, Shisui…" she mumbled. "What…?"

"I couldn't help it."

Amaya emitted another sigh. Shisui guessed, but she was probably reaching for her head doing so. "You're killing me for sure. Come in already and tell me what it is about with your monsters."

"Thank you."

As he turned around and entered the house, the rational part of his mind spoke to him once again. _You swore never to return, _it blamed him. _Do you remember?  
_

All too well. Even though there had barely anything left of the Tetsuka's house when he visited it the last time.

"Wait here," Amaya told him as she closed the door behind him and disappeared in the hall where Shisui heard the stairs creaking.

He took a look around. As far as he could tell there hadn't changed much since the last time he was here: the sheathing of bamboo, the white shelf, the chest of drawers, even the doormat was the same.

_It's not the same, _the rational part of his mind insisted, _It's only a look-a-like. After the catastrophe, they furbished up everything as it had been before. As if nothing had ever happened. You are well versed in that, right?  
_

Shisui took a step ahead and tilted his head. _That's different, _he thought. There were fewer photos on the chest of drawers than before and most of them were either scorched, either crumpled or both. _You can never erase all the traces. _And this thought made his hand burning with pain once more.

Meanwhile, the finger of his unscathed one stroked one of the picture frames. The photo in it showed three children, two boys and one girl.

One of the boys was Shisui. He couldn't remember how many years had passed since it was taken, but it was when his hair had been longer. It fell into his face so his eyes were barely visible.

The boy with the ash-blond hair on the left next to him leaned casually on Shisui's shoulder. He winked into the camera from his warm, brown eyes: Keino Natsume. It's been a few years, since Shisui had spoken him last, shortly after the Kyuubi's attack. However, there was a lot of talking about Natsume lately, even in the ANBU, since he had turned into a decent doctor by now with an extraordinary reputation in Konoha.

On the right edge of photo stood Amaya with a big smile on her face that almost showed all of her teeth.

_I completely forgot about the braces, _Shisui thought looking at her younger self.

Kaori-sensei was the only one not to see in the picture - not entirely at least. The part of the photograph that was supposed to show her face was erased by fire judging by the black rims.

When Shisui heard the stairs creaking again, he withdrew from the chest of drawers and the picture. Considering the sound in the hall, Amaya took the last few steps in one leap, before she appeared in Shisui's sight again. Instead of the book and the jar of peanut butter she returned carrying a bundle of fabric she tossed him.

"Here!" He caught the bundle and found a towel, a black shirt and a grey pair of sweatpants in his hands. "They're my fathers. Go ahead and change, please. You're making a wet mess here." Shisui looked down: indeed, he was standing in a small puddle. "I'm going to pick up Natsume. He should take care of your hand."

With a fluent move, she slipped past Shisui and took a black coat from the coat rack, when he grabbed her arm. "You don't have to. If I wanted a doctor I would've gone seeing one. Trust me, it's not as bad as it looks."

Amaya rolled her eyes and put the coat back. "Whatever. It's your hand after all and I'm really getting sick of meaning it well with you. I'll be at the living-room if you're ready.

* * *

II

Shisui entered the living-room when the TV showed a red-haired lady bursting into tears._"I don't know what to do" _she cried _"Hashirama… Madara… I love both of them."_

Shisui had heard of this movie: the villagers celebrated its heartbreaking love story, while the ninjas mocked its historical falsity. Nevertheless, he couldn't remember the title.

He sat down next to Amaya on the couch. "I can hardly believe you're watching such rubbish."

"I can hardly believe you're maiming your own hand." She pointed at the table. "Cool it at least."

Shisui grabbed the dishtowel on the table to notice that there was a package of frozen peas wrapped into it.

"Thank you" he mumbled and put the frozen peas on his swollen knuckles.

"Do you want to tell me in return _why _you were maiming your own hand?"

"No. But I want to apologize."

"Really? For what? That I don't matter to you, or that you rubbed that in my face the last time we spoke?"

Shisui hesitated, the rational part of his mind almost won, telling him this was a bad idea, but finally, the intuitive part made him take the remoter and mute the TV. "I was there" he explained then. "After Kyubi attacked the village, I mean. The following morning. I wanted to make sure that you were okay. But…" Shisui remembered that October morning very vividly; he remembered the cold air burning in his lung with every breath he took and the dust blowing over the debris. The picture on the screen changed, instead of the angry face of the man who looked astonishingly like Uchiha Madara, Shisui saw how brown haze sparkled in bright sunshine, veiling the horror the Nine-tailed had left behind: the shadows of destroyed houses were lurking beyond the dusty wall.

The young Uchiha could almost feel the fabric of the scarf that had covered his mouth and nose back then because that had been the only way to bear the awful stench lingering in the streets that October morning: the drains were as torn as the earth they rested in so that black concoction of piss and shit flowed through Konoha's remains. Shisui remembered one of the streams powerful enough to even wash away corpses.

"Your neighbourhood was devastated. I felt lost even though I knew the way like the back of my hand and struggled to find your house. The more time I spent wandering through the chaos the more my hope vanished to find you unscathed." In his memory, he tripped over something and looked over his shoulder to see what it was - a leg. Just a leg. An explosion suddenly blazed up on the screen and Shisui couldn't tell if it was part of the movie or just another projected memory. Or both.

In the day's after the catastrophe, there had been a lot of explosions because of the damaged gas pipes. Even lighting up a cigarette could be disastrous.

"Still, when I finally found you…" Shisui gulped, even though Amaya was sitting next to her in the best health. "I saw you lying there… At least what had been left of you." _And that wasn't much_, as far as he remembered. Only the upper body protruded from the rubble, with skin grey, and blue, and brown: grey from dust, blue from haematomas, and brown from dried blood. Even upon the purple curls lingered a red sheen. And then - the memory of the vision when he smoothed back the corpse's strands… It still hit him like a punch.

Automatically he reached for his face and checked his fingertips: his eyes didn't shed bloody tears today, but back then they had.

The vision veiled with the purple curls had shocked him so deep that he saw the world with different eyes ever since - literally. "Your face was-"

"Stop it!" Amaya grabbed his leg. "Please, spare me the details. I don't want to hear it. That… that wasn't me. It was my mother."

Shisui nodded. "I found that out later as well. But in that very moment, I was just sure that you-" He sighed. "It was more than I could take… So, I ran away and left you behind buried in the rubble. For the next eighty-one hours, I was convinced that you were dead. Eighty-one hours! I wouldn't know that if I didn't care about you." However, he concealed how useless he had felt during those eighty-one hours. As one of the few unharmed ninjas, he should have done everything to support the villagers and his comrades, but he hadn't been capable to do so. "I can't express how relieved I felt when I finally found out by chance that you were still alive." _And along with the relief came the awareness: I cared __**too **__much about you. You made me more vulnerable than anything else and I as ANBU I couldn't allow that. I had to cut you out of my life. Apart from that… _"I didn't want to say goodbye again. When I joined the ANBU it was easier to do so by simply vanishing, a clean break, you know, without explanation or farewell. Everything else would have hurt."

By now, Shisui sat on the sofa slightly bent over so that he could plant his elbows on his upper legs. As he now carefully raised his eyes from his hands, he saw Amaya still sitting next to him cross-legged and playing with her hair again, but without saying anything.

Finally, she cleared her throat. "I- I had no idea."

"I didn't want you to."

"Our team… It wasn't meaningless to you after all?"

Shisui gave a laughter that tasted like bile. "Of course not. However, it was easier to pretend to. For God's sake, we were a team - you, Natsume and me. We survived that damn war together! The two of you were there when my parents fell in battle." He sighed. "I held my hand back then. The whole night. I never forgot that, believe me. Nevertheless, I was afraid."

"Of what?"

_Of the power, my feelings for you had over me. _"I don't know."

The springs in the couch cushion creaked as Amaya changed her position, from cross-legged to kneeling. She was frowning. "What happened since our last conversation? Either something took your fear, either something occurred you're even more afraid of. Judging by the condition of your hand, I assume second."

Shisui cleared his throat. "Indeed, yes. I can't tell yet if I'm strong enough to handle that. But, please understand that I can't tell you more than that."  
She nodded. "In that case, it has to be vast. I'm sorry for you." Now, Amaya drew closer to him, smiling which irritated him. "Uchiha Shisui" she said, "This is a warning because I don't want to ambush you, but I'm going to give you hug now."

Shisui backed off hectically and raised one hand in defence. The frozen peas fell to the floor. "Oh, you really don't have to."

But that couldn't stop Amaya. Gently she slipped past his hand, closed her arms around his body and put her head on his shoulder. "You wanted help, right?" she whispered. Her breath tickled his skin. "That's what would help me if I was afraid."

The rational part of his mind told him to brush her aside, the intuitive one restrained it. _Please, go ahead - if you dare. But don't expect her to ever listen to you again if you reject her now._

He gave in and sank back into the couch cushion, finally admitting that Amaya's hug was the first thing in a long time that felt good and right...


End file.
